Swimming in silence

Oh again, it’s been a while and I’ve been wanting to write this for quite a while. I went to Tabanan, Bali for a silent retreat couple of months ago, to search.. nothing. The place is where you can find more silence compared to any other place. A place where you are not encouraged to have a social chat with others, no strict following programs, no dogma and else. A place to just be. Hopefully, only wisdom.

I’m not going to review the retreat place or something like that, I just want to share some of the things that I experience during my time swimming in silence.

Walk in the present

I did a lot of walking…slowly, step by step. I realized that I’ve been always in a rush, like all the time. I walk at a very fast pace as if I’m rushing to the future, trying to make my self productive and on the go. I have never really learned to slow down and enjoy every step I take, quite literary ~ not figuratively. When my time there, I tried to walk slowly to get anywhere and my favorite is the short walk in the jungle. Looking for the river and sat down there at the river banks ~ all with myself! I took the time to see and hear the beauty that life has around me. Those green leaves, butterflies, the sounds of the river dancing with the gong from afar. The sound of the forest.

I learn to walk in the present more.

I understand it would be a different case when I came back to the city, but I guess I have learned that walking the present is pretty much something that should come from the inside. Wherever we are and wherever we go. We could be in complete silence but still rushing out to the future, or we could be in the middle of the crowd but walking in the presence, seeing the beauty around us.

As one of the 80’s movies tells us:

Eat wisely

I’ve never really paid attention too much on what I eat. If there is one thing I could learn from it is that, I have the control to choose what’s going into my body wisely. They provide us loads of healthy and delicious vegetarian food, which is amazing when what you can only choose from the available option. It turns out really, it’s not really hard to be a vegetarian. I am not a vegetarian, but surprisingly I feel I could survive to be one.

I feel that I am now in a much better state. I’m still not a vegetarian, but I do think that I choose my food more wisely than before (except for that Indomie rebus once in a while, lol). But really, I learn to be more conscious, not following my crave all the time. I still have craves and I still go for it, but I’m much better now in being kind to my body. I feel I am less greedy 🙂

In search of nothing

My phone was off all the time, and all I have was my notebook and pen and some books that I borrowed from the library. It was really nice to not have connected with technology whatsoever and pretty much make yourself at home with your own self. I just love spending time reading and writing, having an inside talk. I’ve been navigating my spirituality journey for a while now, I guess this is probably a part of it..

I just kept writing down stuff, some that I took from the book “Peace in Every Breath” by Thich Nhat Hanh, or simply just trying to pour out my thoughts and feelings. I just let the words flow, and really I didn’t expect things to happen magically. Indeed it is just that I felt I have more time to listen to myself and hopefully, understanding my self better. I learn about spaciousness, inner peace, loving-kindness, deep compassionate listening, loving speech, boundless love, taking care of anger.. some pearls of wisdom in the book that I feel very profound yet it is very simple to be understood. Bit by bit.

Here are some that I wrote, in which I took from the book (not mine):

On Spaciousness. We should have time to love. To have time to care for others, to do things that make them happy and relieve their suffering. The most precious gift you can offer to the people you love is a sense of spaciousness. Don’t get carried away from real life by business, trouble, and disappointment. Know how to shake off the worries and live joyfully.

On loving-kindness. Loving-kindness is bringing happiness to other people. Compassion means relieving their suffering. The key is our capacity to understand our own suffering and difficulties, and the suffering and difficulties of others

On boundless love. True love brings only happiness; it never makes you suffer”. We have to love ourself before we truly can love anyone else. Only when we’ve been able to relief our own suffering will we be able to relieve someone’s else. We need to have some happiness before we can offer it to others to help them to be happy too. When we don’t understand the person to whom we’re offering what we think is love, the more we love, the more we make the person suffer. Ask: “have I been able to understand the difficulties and the suffering of the person yet?”. If we can understand our own suffering we easily will be able to understand the suffering of others.

On taking care of anger. When arises, come back to conscious breathing and do some walking meditation. Say: 1) I’m angry with you, and I want you to know it 2) I’m doing my best to practice. 3) Please help me. The third one is indeed the hardest, but it helps dissolve the anger.

and more…

So, what else do I learn from this whole experience?

I feel I’m more sensitive to everything around me. Not just I have a strong urge to walk more mindfully (or at least slower) and essentially, I’m trying to do everything more mindfully.
Though I thought living without my phone or any digital devices would be very challenging, funny enough I almost didn’t miss it at all. I want to be wiser in using technology or any other electronic device. Though it’s not easy, I want to take over my life.
More understanding that peace comes within. Though I like this place so much, I also realize that happiness is something that we shouldn’t search for. No need to go a thousand miles to find it. Happiness is here and now, in the present moment, in the sense of peace from within.
Being in silence also means listening. I feel that I haven’t listened enough in my life. I feel I need to listen more with compassion, and most importantly without judgment. And eventually, how to produce a more loving and thoughtful speech.
In the quest for love; I am here, I have arrived, I am home.
It’s good to put the time to the side sometimes. I don’t feel much in a rush anymore. I don’t feel like running too much anymore. Knowing that I have many obligations and priorities, I came to the understanding that nothing is to be afraid of, or makes me anxious. It just meant that I need to do what was best for now, for a better future.

I also finally could write down (read: admit) things that I have been fearing for a while, the thing that I keep hiding from the world. I wrote a lot about my thoughts and feelings. Many of it comes from the state of where I was, but then again all I came to the conclusion that I need to understand this simple word..

Such a humble and powerful word at the same time. Embracing yourself in the here and now, in whatever happens. Learning to just be, and have faith in it.

I am navigating my journey of finding meanings and it is very much related to this story. I feel have a better understanding now, not just because the silence retreat and many of what I wrote above is more meaningful now than before. But I guess it is for another post 😉

Inuk ☕

Note: some of the learning and perhaps wisdom that I wrote here is not coming from my self solely, but rather a combination of so far what I have learned, what I experienced, and what I discussed with like-minded people in various occasions.

TRI NURAINI